With the exception of Shakespeare, no one really understands all the rules of the English language; although I’m sure it could be debated that Shakespeare never learned them himself. So, for all you average tax-paying citizens1 out there who mayn’t determine the difference between can and may, here’s a list of all the definitions you’ll need to become worthy of a Ph.D. in English:

• Compound — The highest amount of “ound” your computer can process.
• Infinitive — A never ending number. Such as the number of times you use the dictionary when reading a Shakespearean play.
Pronoun — A professional noun. Relative — Shows that the following independent clause is related to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.
• Independent — A clause that has already won its independence from England.
• Clause — What crabs got stuck with instead of hands.
• Verb — A type of herb found in vegetables.
• Sentence — What the *!%& judge forgot to give O.J. Simpson. (You’ll see the need for the @#$% words in a couple of paragraphs.)
• Complex sentence — “I sentence you to 40 years of prison time, deducting one day for each time you make your bed neatly, one minute for each leaf you blow with your blower when on those stupid sidewalk-cleaning jobs, and 15 hours for the answer of 15 times the square root of 31.65 multiplied by the cosign of the logarithm of your age in hours. That will be all.”
• Adjective — Something that adds up your objectives.
• Conjunction — An ex-con who has eaten too much junk food, and is therefore suffering from the disease “Shun”, which is where you are so big everyone shuns having you sit next to them on the bus, and you always have buy an extra ticket on airplanes.
• Subordinate — A geometric coordinate having to do with a submersed submarine.

Now, with this helpful guide, restructure the following sentence my English teacher* once gave me: “Now, just add the subordinating conjunctions or the relative pronoun which will subordinate the following clause.” Literally, that’s what she said. To the best of my endless knowledge (what does not have a beginning does not have an end), the previously mentioned sentence has something to do with a fat ex-con who was aboard a submerged submarine when he discovered professional nouns working for Einstein on the theory of “Crab’s Claws”. But that’s just my own personal opinion, about which few care. *Guess what? The letters from “my English teacher” can be rearranged to spell “Itchy hen see Graml”. But now we’ve covered the vocabulary you’ll need for that Ph.D., let’s take a minute to explore the wide, fascinating underwater world of: squid. Whoops, sorry, I was watching The Animal Planet. What I meant was, let’s explore the world of common English rules, that, unfortunately, Shakespeare never mastered:

• Never use a conjugated verb behind an independent adverb, unless you feel like ignoring this rule, in which case, knock yourself out.
• Whenever you are writing about O.J. Simpson, always use exclamatory words.
• Never make the mistake of writing something not funny (Shakespeare was never informed of this rule. He was never instructed to take grammar or spelling courses either).
• Never make the mistake of telling me that I wrote something not funny.
• Never waste valuable writing space babbling about uneducated, non-researched, and blasphemous English tips, that are of no help whatsoever to the readers.
• Your writing will never be as funny as mine.
• Always place your verb behind your subject, or sound like Yoda, you will.
• If you attempt to write like Shakespeare, you won’t be able to find a publisher. If you want to read Shakespeare, look under any publisher.

So, now that u no the kommun rulz to Inglish, lets muuv ontwo Speling.

• “E” before “I”, especially after “P”, as in peice, and preist.
• Never try to spell anything longer than “than”, or you could run into serious spelling problems.
• If you mispel just one word in an article, you will be hauled off by the FBI for mangling the language — Ha, Ha, I hope you didn’t buy that… Hey! Whose that at my door? (Screams, gunshots, and screeching tires.)
• (I’m currently in jail waiting for my trial, which should occur, hopefully, by the next century.) Never underestimate the power of the FBI.

So, I hope that you learned, if nothing else from this article, to: never misspel “mispell”. Lawyer’s Warning: If you try to look up anything mentioned in this article in an English textbook, you will not find anything. So don’t waste your time. Lawyer’s 2nd Warning: “Itchy hen, see Graml”™ is a fully registered trademark to Bradley Conte, just Bradley Conte, and only Bradley Conte. If you ever are caught publishing, writing, saying, or even reading this previously mentioned phrase, you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law and subjected to eight straight, ceaseless hours of Shakespearean literature. P.S. What exactly is a “Graml”? By: Bradley Conte - 8-02, age 15