Prelude
We the writers of the Constitution have decided to form a more-than-perfect union, establish just ice (no water) and ensure domestic tranquilizers. Article I
Section 1. Congress shall have two houses: the House of Representatives and the Neighbors, neither of which is allowed to have a combined IQ higher than celery.
Section 2. No person shall be a Representative who shall not have attained the age of puberty.
Section 3. The Senate shall be composed of two Senators from each state, whose primary job shall be to decide whether the first of April shall begin: National Garbage Disposal Safety Week or National Lawyer Appreciation Week.
Section 4. The Congress shall assemble at least once in every year, and such meeting shall be held on the coldest, most wretched day of the year, namely, the first Monday of December; unless Congress has reason to suspect an even colder, more wretched day in the forecast.
Section 5. (Note to editor: Remind Benjamin Franklin to come up with something to put here before publication.)
Section 6. The Congress shall receive compensation for their troubles of searching for a suitable name for the first week of April.
Section 7. The President shall have to sign his own name on each bill that is to be passed. He does not, however, have to actually read the bill.
Section 8. Congress shall have the power to:
- Create a National Debt
- Declare war on unfavorable nations
- Punish piracy on the high seas, but not the low ones
- Establish an army, but not an Air Force
- Monopolize the postal service
- Create inflation in the form of excessive green paper with dead people’s faces
- Create National Zit Puss Week
- Provide way more taxation than you would ever want representation for
Section 9. Members of Congress may not receive bribes from other nations without doing so in secret.
Section 10. No state(s) shall try to switch sides and sneak off to some other country.

Article II
Section 1. The Presidential election shall consist of the following steps:
1.There must be at least one idiot representing every political party ever formed since the fall of the Roman Empire, but only two shall stand a chance of winning.
2.The two best parties shall have completely opposite views.
3.All Presidential candidates shall be tall. It is also preferable that the First Lady be tall, but not at the expense of having a short President.
4.The winners from all the parties shall campaign on TV and slingshot mud at each other. This shall draw ratings in the sub-zero zone.
5.Then one of the parties shall take poor people and give them cigarettes and voting ballots.
6.Then, after many months, all the rest of the citizens shall inquire of each other: “Hey! Aren’t we having some kind of important election?”
7.Then the ballot counting process shall be broadcast by every major network in the nation by broadcasters using enthusiasm usually only associated with golf tournaments.
8.In the end, the elected President shall start his next campaign within two days after moving into the White House.
9.The Electoral College shall have no role whatsoever.
Section 2. The Army and Navy, but not the Air Force, exists for the President’s amusement; even though he’s been trying to get the Air Force added to the Constitution for a while. Because let’s face it, it’s more exciting to watch airplanes than tanks.
Section 3. It is possible to change the Constitution, but only if it benefits the current members of Congress.
Section 4. If any President, Vice President, or civil officer of the United States is found guilty of a crime, he shall be promoted unless he’s already president, in which case he shall appear on Oprah.
Section 4.5. No one may sneak fractions of sections into the Constitution.

Article III
Section 1. The Supreme Court shall never resolve the abortion issue.
Section 2. (Note to editor: Insert James Madison’s witty remark here.)
Section 3. Thou shalt not commit treason against the United States.

Article IV
Section 1. (Note to editor: Dont forget too chek for speling and punctuacion erorrs before publicashun,)
Section 2. Citizens of all the states shall be entitled to the same privileges and rights as everyone else, provided that that citizen is an independently wealthy, white business man between the heights of 5′10″ and 6′2″. If a specific citizen who does not fall into these standards attempts to sue the U.S. government for discrimination, then the FBI shall take him into custody and force him to recant.
Section 3. States may be admitted to the Union, but states may not be separated. South Dakota, South Carolina, and West Virginia are anomalies that the government should not claim.
Section 4. Middle Easterners shall all wear stupid head coverings and the men shall wear skirts and look like Loony Toones. Americans, however, shall pretend not to notice.

Article V
The Constitution shall be amended when it gets ahurted.

Article VI
The National Debt is Constitutional and there-fore does not have to be paid off.

Article VII
People witnessed the signing of the Constitution, but we do not wish to take the time to name who.

Amendments
The Bill of Rights

Every citizen shall be billed 10% of their annual income for their rights. The IRS shall be in charge of this program.

Amendment 1. Con-gress is not even allowed to acknowledge that religions exist.
Amendment 2. Miami shall be the most dangerous city in the U.S. and import a minimum of 15 tons of illegal drugs a month; some of which shall be used to buy off the U.S. officials in charge of busting drug smugglers.
Amendment 3. Micro-soft shall never make anything that is completely bug-free. (For more details, see Amend. 30)
Amendment 4. In the event that the Presidential election comes down to the wire and has to be decided by Florida, the Republican party shall win regardless of the Democrats best cheating efforts.
Amendment 5. The writers of the Constitution shall receive a big bonus.
Amendment 6. The speed limit in California shall be whatever is posted multiplied by some number, which is usually fifteen.
Amendment 7. Only the government shall get away with breaking laws.
Amendment 8. Every movie teenage boys like, the critics shall hate. Subsequently, all movies containing Will Smith or Emenem shall be snubbed by the film critics, and loved by teenage boys.
Amendment 9. Elderly people driving Cadillacs shall drive between the speeds of 23 and 24 mph. and be a nuisance to traffic.
Amendment 10. Teenage boys driving Honda Civics shall drive between the speeds of 98 and 99 mph. and be a nuisance to traffic.
Amendment 11. Congress shall have the power to punish road rage on the high roads.
Amendment 12. When women want to remodel, they shall have to physically see a piece of furniture in the specific spot in order to to able to mentally picture it there.
Amendment 13. Doctors shall have the right to make you wait in the waiting room as long as they please. Also, getting emergency care on a weekend in the ER shall never occur.
Amendment 14. There shall be a special type of doctor for everything, including Blood-Pressure Reading and Weight Measurement.
Amendment 15. Accused criminals have the right to the Best Lawyer Money Can Buy and the right to be Set Free.
Amendment 16. The NFL season shall consist of two games. This shall be a problem only to NFL fans.
Amendment 17. No one is allowed to rewrite the Constitution in his own words.
Amendment 18. In the Express Lane, all apricots in the same bag shall be considered one food. All cereal boxes, however, shall not.
Amendment 19. Pop, Rap, and Rock singers are not to sing one understandable word.
Amendment 20. The IRS is to be used in evil comparisons: i.e. He is as evil as the IRS. (The comparison here is that of the Devil.)
Amendment 21. All NBA players shall be arrested a minimum of four times during their careers.
Amendment 22. The Guinness Book of World Records shall have a lot of stupid records, such as: Most Ants Discovered on a Loaf of White Bread in a Whirlpool Refrigerator Manufactured in 2001 That Is Sitting In A Garage Attached To A Two Story Home With Four Bedrooms And A Cozy Living Room That Looks Like Crud Because Three Children Live There And They Are Forever Spilling Food And Leaving Their Toys Out, which we know the editors just make up the numbers to anyway.
Amendment 23. Anyone convicted of understanding all the rules of the English language shall be sentenced to became an English Professor.
Amendment 24. My Geometry teacher shall be extremely hyper and wet his pants whenever anyone so much as mentions an obtuse triangle.
Amendment 25. The local news shall always be boring to the point where you would rather stick your arm in an activated rototiller then hear another recount of a lost kitten.
Amendment 26. Michael Jordan shall have a minimum of forty different kinds of signature shoes (not counting the fact that each shoe shall come in five colors). As a more or less direct result he shall have the same net worth as Sweden.
Amendment 27. In the event that national security is compromised, the President shall have an undisclosed underground security bunker that the media shall devote full-time to finding and disclosing. The vice-president, however, shall maintain strictest security.
Amendment 28. The motto of the United States of America shall be: Give me your tired, your poor, your lowly Cuban refugees so that we can send them back to Fidel Castro, who, along with Saddam Hussein, we have been meaning to overthrow for the last twenty decades, but can never remember to because these stupid lobbyists are forever standing outside various offices of the White House driving the President insane; and furthermore, we have not been able to decide what to call the program: Dictator Over-Thrower (DOT), or Catching All Stupid Terrorists Right away Of the Department of Intelligence Earth-wide (CASTRODIE).
Amendment 29. For the 1996-2004 State Governor elections, California residents shall elect a Democrat with the financial skills of squid.
Amendment 30. Windows XP shall become infected with a bug and crash when I am nearly done writing this document and have several other documents that are extremely vital and I could not for the life of me retype. The bug shall enter the system and take effect the time I turn the com-puter on to create a backup copy of this and my other documents on a disk.

Lawyer’s Warning: Do not try to build a court case around the preceding document, as most judges have been issued defective Constitutions that will disagree with your specific copy in a couple of key areas.

By: Bradley Conte, 01-2003, age 16