Aren’t computers great? I think they make this world a better place. Without computers, how could we start a new game of solitaire on a spur of the moment in only .0045 nanoseconds? How would we type written documents, such as this, and get an accurate word count in as much time as it takes a goat to snarf down an entire blackberry bush the moment you turn your back? And most importantly, who would Bill Gates sell Windows™ to? Well today, I hope to explore the exciting and hopelessly fascinating world of non-understandable computer technology by having a Q & A session.

• Q: How do I get my computer to work correctly?
• A: You idiot, you don’t get your computer to work correctly; you merely get it turned on so it will run word-processing, so you can write funny articles to send to your grandma so she will send you Christmas presents. The only computer that works properly is Bill Gate’s very own personal laptop.
  
  
• Q: How do I install new software?
• A: By signing away all your personal belongs to a professional who will come in at a very inconvenient time and not only install the program, but also restructure all your personal settings, just in case you were kind of “getting a feel” for your computer. (FBI Files: Page 4,567, paragraph 3, line 2, seat 1: No U.S. citizen is ever, under any circumstances, allowed to understand his or her Personal Computer; and, if a user does understand just the slightest bit about their PC, any and all computer nerds around the globe have the right to download 4 billion computer viruses directly to the threatening user’s hard-drive.)
  
  
• Q: How do I install computer hardware, such as a printer?
• A: First, take the hardware out of the box. Second, insert the floppy disk used to install the device into the computer. Third, connect the device to the back of your computer. No! Not the monitor! The computer, you moron. Now, the Installation Program (I capitalized it so it wouldn’t get mad at me) will start asking you questions, such as: Would you like to install your peripheral now? Are you sure? Really? Have you thoroughly thought this through? And… Do you wish to have this peripheral actually work after the installation, or are you just doing this for fun? And…
  
  In order to obtain adequate information for the Installation Process, name the middle name of the employee who convinced you to buy this piece of trash. And…
  
  The Installation Program wishes for a 200 page book report on Moby Dick, single spaced and hand-written. And…
  
  Please search through the 4-trillion- page owner’s manual for the 15,000 digit serial number that should be so well encoded that even Einstein couldn’t find it, and input the number into the blank that I will not provide you with. By the way, write a book report on the owner’s manual. NOW! And…
  
  You shall now write a Solitaire® program and integrate it into your computer. WARNING: If you get just one keystroke wrong, nuclear war will be declared on China. And…
  
  The Instillation Program senses that you are becoming hostile. Cease and desist immediately or suffer the dire consequences. Etc..
  
  
• Q: I don’t have to hook up non-computer related technology to my computer, do I?
• A: Such as your coffee maker?
  
  
• Q: Right.
• A: It doesn’t matter. The computer keeps track of all purchases you make with your debit card or by check and will make you install them anyway.
  
  
• Q: Well then, the computer basically runs my house.
• A: Duh.
  
  
• Q: So say, hypo-thetically, I manage to install the hardware onto my computer, then what?
• A: Hypothetically, you would sit and admire your fine accomplishment.
  
  
• Q: That’s it?!
• A: What did you expect, that it would actually work? You are mistaken! You see, most people are confused. Just because something is installed on your computer doesn’t mean it works. It just means that your computer knows that there is some expensive attachment sucking up power that is connected through the USB port. Note: After the installation, your true troubles begin. The document concerning this is located in the FBI files, right behind the previously mentioned document. It states that: Should a user of a computer-related ma-chine, ever attempt to install a peripheral to his/her (probably his) computer, the device must not work. If the manufacturer does not comply with these regulations, and actually makes a functioning, user-installable peripheral, the jerk responsible shall be beheaded.
  
  
• Q: Where does Bill Gates factor in?
• A: He’s the head honcho of the Downloading Viruses to Threatening People’s Hard-Drive Committee (DVTPHDC).
  
  
• Q: Is it possibly to sue computer and software manufacturers?
• A: Only if some tragic, grievous occurrence happens.
  
  
• Q: Like what?
• A: Say that you are enjoying a beer while playing Solitaire one night. Now, any dolt-head who has ever played Solitaire while drinking can tell you that you will need a coaster. So say you look around for something to place your drink on, and, in the process, bump this little button down on the computer. Then a drawer with a little dipped circle in the middle pops out. Very pleased with yourself, you place your beer bottle on it. Several minutes later the drawer snaps and this message displays:
  
  WARNING: THE CD-ROM DRIVE HAS BEEN BROKEN. BEGINNING DUMP OF MEMORY.
  
  Now you have two options. You can (a)sue the manufacturer of the CD-ROM drive for not placing a warning on the front stating that it could be hazardous to one’s carpet to place a beer bottle in the CD-ROM drive, or (b)sue the manufacturer of the beer bottle for failing to warn you to not place the bottle in a CD-ROM drive.
  
  
• Q: Have you ever noticed how just about anything, including a print cartridge change, begins a memory dump?
• A: How could I not?
  
  
• Q: I have noticed that the computer often begins a dump of “physical memory”. Is this as opposed to spiritual memory? If so, do computers go to heaven?
• A: No, computers do not go to heaven. They are from the pits of hell, and to hell, they shall return.
  
  
• Q: Explain “Abort, Retry, Fail”.
• A: This is the error message that displays whenever the computer senses that you are about to accomplish something. Selecting:
  Abort = Memory dump
  Retry = Dump of memory
  Fail = Delete any and all recent computer-related accomplishments
  
  
• Q: What, exactly, is, “software”?
• A: Something very expensive that is easily broken by a child.
  
  
• Q: What is “hardware”?
• A: Something very expensive that is even more easily broken by a child.
  
  
• Q: What does the term “user” mean?
• A: It is the nice word that Bill Gates uses to describe the jerks that will attempt to use his programs. I could not print the real words.
  
  
• Q: Why is it that computer code is so hard to understand?
• A: Because it was designed by computer nerds.
  
  
• Q: Why is it that computers control just about everything, but no one can really understand them?
• A: Because the modern computer is actually an advanced form of life. The Animal Planet will be doing a story on them soon.

So, if this doesn’t help you, you should go read a real computer article; one that is actually geared toward being helpful, and less toward making fun of Bill Gates. But if you ever do get a coffee maker, I suggest you pay for it in cash and keep it in your neighbor’s house.

Lawyer’s Warning: Do not ever attempt to understand your computer, as this may result in important people rushing to their computers to stop you via computer viruses. If they leave their jobs unattended, it could result in a nuclear war with China, and you will be fined your entire life savings, plus be required to actually fix your own computer for all of eternity.

By: Bradley Conte 12-02, age 15